MY PORNO LIFE

Today is the two year anniversary of My Porno Life so I figured it would be a good time to share with you the top 5 movies I jerked off to while growing up – Basically the reasons I turned out the way I did. Keep in mind that I was born in 1978 so you young whippersnappers might need to look some of these movies up on Google or IMDb.

5) Lifeforce (1985)

Mathilda May in Lifeforce

Lifeforce was a movie about space vampires which on paper sounds pretty lame until you see Mathilda May’s amazing rack. If you look up “perfectly shaped breasts” in the dictionary there would be a picture of Mathilda circa 1985. The greatest decision Tobe Hooper made during the filming of Lifeforce was to give those two stars a lot of screen time. Seriously, Mathilda May walks around naked for the first half of the movie. Genius!

4) Heavy Metal (1981)

Taarna in Heavy Metal

As a kid it isn’t hard convincing your parents to let you watch a cartoon so the easiest way for a child of the 80s to see some titties and bush in Heavy Metal. By the time I saw this for the first time on HBO I was already reading comic books and drooling over Wonder Woman’s unnatural proportions but I had no idea that animated nudity even existed. Needless to say Heavy Metal forever changed my perception of cartoons.

3) Trading Places (1983)

Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places

If you have never seen the Dan Aykroyd/Eddie Murphy 1983 comedy Trading Places then you probably live in a cave. Besides featuring Eddie in his prime (back before Daddy Daycare type movies ruined his career) the movie also had Jamie Lee Curtis showing off her supple sweater meat. Trading Places also has the honor of being the first time I ever saw a pair of tits on the big screen (Read about it here).

2) Black Emanuelle (1975)

Laura Gemser in Black Emanuelle

Growing up in the 80s I didn’t have the luxury of typing “boobs” in Google and getting a million pictures to jerk off to – I had to be more creative. Every Sunday I would check the new TV guide for what movie was playing the following Friday night on Cinemax. When I saw the writeup for Black Emanuelle and the words “extreme sexual content” (the first and only time I ever saw that description in TV Guide) I knew I would move heaven and earth to see it. My mind was blown, the movie is basically porn. Black Emanuelle features the beautiful Laura Gemser as a journalist on an African sexual adventure and spawned a series of sequals (none as good as the original). Currently you can’t find it on DVD unless you track down a bootleg copy. Black Emanuelle is my Holy Grail.

1) Return of the Jedi (1983)

Carrie Fisher in Return of the Jedi

Princess Leia in her slave costume. What can I say, this was a defining moment for me and most adolescent boys. I’m not ashamed to admit that I used to rewind the 5 second scene where Bib Fortuna pushes Princess Leia into Jabba’s chest as he makes licking motions over and over again because on a loop it looks like they are fucking. Back in my day you had to be creative and sometimes invent porn in your head. The good old days.

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